Part of maturing is realizing that things change. You grow out of people, out of your little niche… you eventually grow out of most of the little things that were once so important to you. You can dwell on that and maybe even try to fix it… But in the end, you can never recreate what has passed. I’m slowly getting to the point where I’m okay with that.

#thoughts  #words  #memories  #past  #life  

It’s a sad moment when you realize that all your motivation doesn’t come from within, anymore. Instead, it comes from the fear of failure, others disappointment, obligation, and/or simply not knowing where else to turn. Where’s that drive I used to have? Where’s my ambition? I used to think that the strength I have within myself is what set me apart, it was what ensured my success. I want to feel purpose again but part of me feel that a lot of that was simply rooted from a false sense of reality. It seems that the older I get, the smaller my dreams become. I suppose I’ve become quite the pessimist… not that I was ever truly an optimist, but at least I had hope.

#pessimist  #ambition  #motivation  #thoughts  #success  #failure  #college is hard  #life is hard  #too much responsibility  #words  

Your love is the sweetest thing I’ve ever known…

I know I sometimes take it for granted. I know I sometimes push you over the edge just to see how far you’ll go for me. I guess it’s a little immature and selfish, but I’ve never experienced something so pure, beautiful, and constant in my entire life. I have moments where I worry that it’s too good to be true.

#love  #personal  #words  #true love  #lesbians  

Ever since I came out to my parents, things between us have gotten out of hand. I haven’t had a peaceful 24 hours with them since… & it’s been over 7 months. At first, it was anger and denial. Now, it has progressed to rage and just an emotional mess. I hate seeing the hurt in their eyes. It’s so painful to see them cry over it and it breaks my heart to know that I’ve disappointed them so much. Deep down, I know that they’ll never accept me as a lesbian… and that they will never be a part of my future family and that tears me up. I try not to think about it, but it’s been all I can think about since my last visit. On top of that, my parents are edging towards 60 & they continue to grow frailer, their wrinkles are becoming deeper, their hair getting grayer… they’re shrinking and tired all the time. With each day, I’m getting closer to losing them. Although that has always been true, to physically see them age terrifies me. I don’t know how I could deal with losing them. Worst yet, I don’t know how to deal with them taking their disappointment with me to their graves.

#coming out  #parents  #aging parents  #sad  #depression  #lgbt  #lesbian  #personal  #words  

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#it snuck up on me again  #depression  #numb  #ugh  #words  

So, I’m visiting my parents for a couple days. It’s actually been almost two months since I’ve seen them… But it’s funny how it always feels like I never left. How my room is just how it has always been. Before I know it, I’m laying here reminiscing and rummaging through all my old belongings. I guess that’s the thing about living in the same house for 18 years, every mark on the wall, every shoebox under my bed, every notebook, holds memories. I’m filled with feels right now but I can’t really explain what they are. Maybe a little empty…

#I can't find the right words to describe my emotions  #words  #personal  

Reading my journal from my Freshman year of high school. Holy shit, I was naive and dramatic. I’m finding myself laughing at all my “teen angst.” Definitely a dark time lol. Can’t believe this was six years ago, though…

#Journal  #Memories  #Past  #Embarassing  #How did i have friends?  #words  

I might start keeping a journal. But then again, I don’t know. Every time I look back now on what I wrote in past journals, I just want to bury my head under my blankets and cry with embarrassment and regret.

#Journals  #Diary  #Probably not  #words  

“I’ve been alone when I’m surrounded by friends
How could the silence be so loud?
But I still go home knowing that I’ve got you…
There’s only us when the lights go down”

She’s my rock. No matter what kind of day I have had, I can at least know that I’m coming home to the most patient, listening ears, the kindest laugh, and simply a woman whose love for me has no bounds. The security I find in her is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced in my life.

#my partner  #my sweet sweet partner  #I know I talk about her a lot but I can't help it  #she's really the most amazing person I know  #I'm honored to have her  #words  

It’s so cute when she’s half asleep and tries to throw more blanket on me and pulls my head to her chest. Then she goes right back to the deepest of sleep. I can ask about it when she’s up and she won’t remember anything.

#My partner  #Deep sleeper  #Sweet  #I love her  #words  #love  

#Good weed  #Marcel Proust  #Hot tea  #Good music  #Relaxing night  #Bubble bath  #words  

Fuck this day…

I worked 10 hours today and it was the shittiest 10 hours of my life. This morning was hella slow, then suddenly I’m bombarded with 8 tables—one of which was a party of ten people with like 4 rambunctious-ass brats running around making the biggest mess possible. On top of that I had some of the most impatient customers, customers that guzzled their fucking drinks in 1 minute and expected immediate refills, my boss fussing at me about petty ass shit (like my apron being dirty…wtf I’m trying to get all this food out), people who want to split their checks five different ways and then change their minds, and just UGH. It seems that some people don’t understand that I’m only one person. I can’t fulfill all your needs immediately because I have 25 other people who have needs too. Y’all may think to yourself “oh what’s so hard about taking orders and bringing them out?” It’s hard as shit, motherfucker. People don’t always know what they want, so I have to keep checking back with them, I have drinks to refill, I have to try to communicate with cooks that barely speak English, I have to buss tables, make alcoholic beverages, roll silverware, answers everybody’s basic-ass questions, make sure everybody’s food come up in the right order, mentally prioritize all the countless things I need to do, balance hot food on my tiny hands and arms (I only have two….y’all act like I have nine), all the while clenching my teeth, smiling, and trying to be pleasant as possible. And don’t get me started on all the side work that has to get done afterwards/prior to working. When I say I worked 10 hours, I didn’t sit around these 10 hours. I was on my feet running around constantly. I want to see some of these ignorant assholes try to run around and do my job for a day. I’m sure they’d lose it.

But anyway, I’m so glad I don’t have classes or work tomorrow. I need to relax, forreal cuz being a server has got me stressing so much. I swear, I have nightmares about forgetting tables and people being angry with me.

Eh, I’m so over this job, but I need the money. This is my life.

#rant  #personal  #angry  #server probs  #my job sucks  #waitress probs  #words  

Organic Chemistry will forever be my worst enemy.

Thank God this is my last chemistry course in my undergrad career. Well, potentially… assuming I don’t fail. 

#organic chemistry is the devil  #organic chemistry  #college  #school  #classes  #personal  #words  

I desire a puppy.

Too bad I have too much going on between work & school to properly take care of/train one right now.

*sigh* 

#personal  #PUPPIES!  #preferably a puggle  #I was gonna get one  #But I had to resist  #words  

The new apartment I moved into is absolute shit. Tomorrow I shall be marching into that fucking leasing office and I shall spew a long list of things wrong with our apartment. Here’s just to name a few:

— The fucking roaches. They’re everywhere. I. Can’t. Deal.
— The dishwasher doesn’t work. Actually, it’s not even connected to the counter. I loaded it up this morning and I suppose it got heavy and fell on my damn foot. I kid you not, the dishwasher toppled onto my foot.
— The fridge leaks a shit ton of water, daily.
— Something is seriously wrong with the stove. I almost caught it on fire. I promise you, I was merely trying to roast some garlic for something I was cooking. I had it on about medium-low. I notice that the burner got incredibly red… but I was like eh it’ll be okay. Swirled a little oil in there… then I added the garlic.

POOF

That motherfucker burst into flames. SHIT WAS ON MEDIUM LOW! HOLY HELL!

So yeah. My apartment has smelt like burnt toast for the past couple days. I need to go up there and bitch while I’m still angry about it.

#giving us a defected ass apartment  #new apartment  #over this  #rant  #wtf is wrong with these people  #words